How to talk to your manager when something isn't working

A lot of people I speak to are miserable at work but haven't said a single word about it to their manager. Not because nothing's wrong, but because they're scared of coming across as difficult.

I spoke to someone recently who felt completely unsupported. Their manager seemed to care about one thing which was whether they turned up to the office on the set days. No development conversations or targets and no real interest in how things were going.

When I asked if they'd raised it, the answer was no, so I asked what was stopping them, and they couldn't quite pinpoint it

So I brought in a bit of my Danish "I don't take any sh*t" approach and asked why they were just accepting it and something shifted. The person actually did care about their job, they wanted to grow, and they weren't someone who was fine with settling. So what made them act like they were fine with it?

That question answered it for them and from there, we looked at how to approach the conversation. Not confrontationally and definitely not as a list of complaints. We need to remember the manager wasn't doing anything wrong. They didn't know what this person needed because this person had never told them. Once we reframed it that way, the fear of "getting in trouble" started to look a lot less rational.

The conversation happened and the 1-1s improved. The working relationship got more productive. Not because anything dramatic changed, but because two people finally understood what the other one actually wanted.

Keep in mind a lot of managers do want to do a good job, but a lot of them have been placed in positions they've not been trained to do, and rather than fighting an inexperienced manager, how about trying to work with them? Every individual is also different and may require something different from their manager.

If you're putting your head down and getting on with it, but you're not okay with how things are, you don't have to choose between a formal grievance and just tolerating it. There's absolutely a middle option which is having the conversation, with a bit of support to work out how.

It usually sounds harder than it is. If there's a conversation at work you've been putting off, feel free to book a discovery call. Let's work out how to have it.

When a disciplinary hearing becomes about rebuilding, not defending

Most people in a disciplinary situation spend all their energy trying to minimise what happened. Softening the language, finding reasons why it was not quite as bad as it looks, hoping that if they frame it carefully enough the disciplinary chair will go easier on them.

But that is not always the best approach.

Sometimes the mistake has already been made, admitted, and owned. And in those cases, the conversation shifts entirely. It is not about damage limitation anymore. It is about how your employer can regain trust in you to do your job again.

Because if you have already held your hand up, the narrative has shifted. You are not managing suspicion anymore. You are managing reputation and those are different problems with different solutions.

So that is what good preparation looks like in that situation and this is typically how I work with clients. How do you demonstrate genuine remorse without it looking performative? What does rebuilding trust actually look like in practice, not just in words? How do you show an employer you have worked for, for years, that you are still someone worth keeping?

It is a harder conversation than "here is how to defend yourself", but it is also a more honest one. In my experience, honesty is what a disciplinary chair actually responds to as this is how they’ll be able to see if they can trust you moving forward and if you are being genuine. Not a perfectly polished account, not all the right words in the right order, but someone who clearly understands what they did, why it was wrong, and what they are going to do differently.

It is worth being clear: the outcome of a disciplinary hearing is always the employer's decision. Feedback I keep getting is, “They didn’t expect me to be this prepared”, so what I can do is help you walk in prepared, clear-headed, and presenting yourself in the best possible light. It can be a horrible thing to go through alone. If you are facing something like this at work, and need a non-judgemental and pragmatic point of view, feel free to reach out. You can also read about what disicplinary support looks like with me. This will of course be tailored to your specific situation.

You can also download resources here. The probation toolkit is free to download and you can find it here.

Using AI to Write Your Grievance Letter? Read This First

If you've ever typed a workplace problem into ChatGPT and asked it to write a grievance letter, you're not alone. Solicitors are expensive, your employer's HR team works for the company, and free advice is just a search away, so to some, it just makes sense.

AI can actually get a lot of employment law right. A lot of it is accurate and it will produce something that looks professional and thorough. The problem is that it doesn't know you, your workplace, or what you actually want to happen. It will cite legislation that can be wrong or may not apply to your specific situation and it can turn a problem that could have been resolved in a ten minute conversation into a twenty page document that puts everyone on the defensive before you've even sat down together.

Grievances are emotionally draining for everyone involved. They can permanently change working relationships, even when they're resolved. That's not a reason to avoid raising one when something is genuinely wrong, but it is a reason to think carefully before you fire one off.

Most workplace problems, not all, but most, could have been resolved through conversation before they reached this point. The reason they often don't is that the employee doesn't feel their manager is approachable, or doesn't feel confident having that conversation. That's completely understandable, but it doesn't mean a formal grievance is automatically the answer.

Employers are seeing a huge influx in these AI generated grievances, and although I have seen a lot of eye-rolling from the receiving end, these grievances usually come from a place of power imbalance and there are obviously some issues that need resolving. Now that the tools are freely available, they're being used more than ever.

If you do decide a formal grievance is the right route, there's nothing wrong with using AI to help write it up once you know what you want to say. That's no different to asking someone to proofread your work. The key is that you're leading it and you understand what happened, what you want to raise, and what outcome you're hoping for. AI can help with the words, but the thinking has to be yours.

AI is also only as good as the knowledge you bring to it. Just like you need to understand coding to use AI to write useful code, you need strong employment law knowledge to sense-check what it produces. I have created a grievance template that you can download here

If something doesn't feel right at work and you're not sure how to handle it, I am more than happy to talk it through with you and help you assess the whole situation to look at how to either approach that difficult conversation at work, or how to start if a formal grievance is really warranted. You can start with booking in a free discovery call. I also have a section on grievance support if you want to have a look at what this support consists of before booking a session with me. Every situation is of course unique and you will not just be getting general advice.

Returning from maternity leave? Why flexible working matters more now than ever

Your employer was brilliant when you were pregnant. Flexible with appointments, understanding when you were exhausted, letting you work from home in those final weeks when the commute felt impossible. They offered generous maternity pay. They probably sent flowers when the baby arrived. You felt looked after and you thought it was going to be okay.

Then you went back to work.

Suddenly, the flexibility that felt natural becomes a negotiation. The understanding disappears. You’re back at your desk, but your head is somewhere else entirely, in a nursery across town with a baby who seems to have a cold every week, because that’s what happens.

You’re commuting again, and it feels longer than you remember. You’re trying to remember who you were at work, while also figuring out who you are now. You’re leaving a small person who cries when you hand them over, and carrying that with you all day. Then the nursery calls. Temperature spike and you have to drop everything and go.

This is the part that actually needs flexibility.

Pregnancy had a timeline, an end point. This doesn’t. The early months of being a working parent are messy, emotional and unpredictable.

Some employers understand that. They see someone navigating all of that and still showing up, still delivering, still caring about their work, and they don’t make it harder, but not all employers do.

When support is pulled back at the exact moment it’s needed most, it sends a message. This may not be intentional, but it will feel so to the person returning. The maternity pay, the flexibility, the flowers start to feel like gestures rather than a commitment to support you through what comes next.

That contrast is hard to ignore. You saw how they handled your pregnancy and assumed that the goodwill would continue. Instead, you feel judged for being late because your child was upset at drop-off, or questioned because you need to leave early, again, to collect a poorly child.

All of this while you’re exhausted and adjusting to a completely new life.

Returning from maternity leave is one of the biggest transitions in your working life. You’re rebuilding confidence, managing guilt, learning new logistics, and trying to stay present at work when part of you is always somewhere else. That’s overwhelming and sadly it even makes some new parents leave the workforce completely.

If something doesn’t feel right about how you’re being treated since you came back, it’s possible you’re not overthinking it, and you don’t have to work out what to do about it on your own. Sometimes, just talking it through with someone who understands both sides is enough to help you figure out your next step and you can always start by dropping me a message if you’re unsure of where to start.

Your flexible working request was refused. But was it actually a legitimate reason?

You put in a flexible working request. Thought it through, wrote it up, submitted it. And then your employer came back and said no, because their policy says you need to be in the office three or four days a week.

On its own, that isn't a valid statutory reason to refuse. An employer has to link that requirement to one of the legal business grounds and explain why it applies.

The whole point of a flexible working request is to change an existing arrangement. On its own, that kind of reasoning usually isn't enough. The employer still needs to show how keeping the current arrangement meets one of the legal grounds.

What does the law actually say?

Employers in the UK can only refuse a flexible working request on one of eight specific grounds. Things like the burden of additional costs, a detrimental effect on meeting customer demand, or an inability to reorganise work among existing staff.

"Our policy says you need to be in the office" is not on that list.

What makes this even more frustrating is that many of the same employers refusing requests cite a flexible working policy sitting on their intranet. They've committed in writing to considering requests fairly and individually. Falling back on a blanket office rule, without tying it to a real business reason, risks not meeting what the law actually requires.

The parent in the room

A parent, often but not always a mother, is back from maternity leave or juggling childcare alongside a demanding job. They ask for one or two extra days working from home. They're not asking to do less. They're asking to do the same job from a different place.

The employer says no, because the policy says three days in the office.

If the refusal isn't backed up by a clear business reason, it can look less like a genuine operational need and more like a default position. And depending on the circumstances, it can carry real legal risk, particularly where the refusal disproportionately affects employees with caring responsibilities.

Being reasonable is easier for everyone

A conversation costs very little. A tribunal costs a lot more, and that's before you factor in the time, the stress, and the reputational damage. Where a refusal isn't clearly linked to one of the legal grounds and handled reasonably, the legal risk becomes very real.

It's also worth saying: considering a request individually doesn't mean saying yes to everyone or opening the floodgates. Each case stands on its own. The question is whether the rigidity is actually gaining anything, or whether it's just easier than having the conversation.

Being the employer who turned down a returning parent because of a policy isn't a great look. People talk, and workplace culture is a lot more visible from the outside than it used to be.

What can you do if this happens to you?

If your request has been refused and the reason isn't clearly explained or linked to a legal ground, you have options.

Ask for the decision in writing if you don't have it already, along with the specific business reason. Vague or policy-based refusals are much harder to defend once they're written down.

You can appeal. Most employers have a process for this, and going through it formally shows you're taking it seriously and creates a paper trail if things escalate.

Think about whether there are grounds for a grievance, especially if the refusal is connected to a protected characteristic like sex or disability.

You don't have to accept a refusal that doesn't stack up. And you don't have to figure it out on your own.

If your flexible working request has been refused and something doesn't feel right about the reason, get in touch. I can help you work out what your options actually are.

What to do if you've been placed on a PIP at work

No prior warnings. No informal conversations. No documented concerns. Just a PIP. Somehow you're expected to know what to do next.

Something I'm seeing more and more at the moment, and one of the reasons I started Klar.

People are being placed on Performance Improvement Plans with no prior warnings, no informal feedback, and no documented concerns. No conversation before it. Just straight to a PIP.

This seems to be happening with increasing frequency, and very often with employees who have under two years of service. I suspect this is not unrelated to the upcoming Employment Rights Act, which will reduce the qualifying period for unfair dismissal from two years to six months. Employers who want to move people on are doing it now, before that window closes so they can manage employees out to make it harder for them to claim unfair dismissal.

If that's the situation you're in, I want to say this clearly: being placed on a PIP out of nowhere is not a reflection of your worth or your ability. It can knock your confidence, especially when any feedback you've had up to that point has been minimal or unclear, and this is the first time anything formal has been raised.

There are different reasons a PIP gets misused. Sometimes a manager has avoided difficult conversations for too long and reaches for a formal process because they don't know how to handle it. Sometimes emotions get in the way of what should be a straightforward process. One I’m seeing a lot is a new manager who wants to show their authority. Whatever the reason, if a PIP lands without prior feedback and with targets that are unclear, that says more about the manager than it does about you.

A PIP, when used properly, can be a genuinely useful tool. I've seen people go through one, come out the other side, and go on to be promoted. Clear goals, regular feedback, and real support can turn things around. That's what a PIP is supposed to do. But arriving at one without any prior conversation or support is a different experience entirely, and it's okay and completely normal to feel cornered by it.

I worked with someone recently who was about to go into a PIP meeting having never experienced anything like it before. They didn't know what to expect, what they were entitled to ask, or how to approach it without feeling like the outcome had already been decided.

By the end of our session that had changed. They knew what questions to raise, what evidence and support to ask for, and how to walk in with a clear head. What had felt overwhelming became something they felt prepared for. They went into that meeting with confidence, asked for things they wouldn't have known to ask for, and left clear on where they stood. A few weeks on, with regular feedback and defined goals, things are moving in the right direction. You can download my guide here on navigating the PIP process.

You don't have to walk into that room without knowing your options.

If you've been placed on a PIP and don't know where to start, feel free to get in touch. A free discovery call is a good place to begin.

Why do I feel anxious before every meeting with my manager?

Early in my HR career, I had a manager who made me dread every meeting request. One-to-ones only happened when something had gone wrong. They were formal, documented, and felt more like investigations than conversations. Minor errors became major events, at least mine did.

It became clear over time that something wasn't right. The dynamic was different with me. My errors were flagged and documented while the same mistakes from colleagues didn’t seem as that big a deal. The warmth and patience they showed others wasn't extended to me and their tone towards me was different, and I was aware of it even if I couldn't articulate it at the time. I wasn't perfect, and there were things that genuinely needed addressing. But the way those things were handled, compared to how my colleagues were treated, wasn't consistent or fair.

At the time I didn't have the experience or the confidence to name what was happening. I just absorbed it.

The thing about that kind of environment is that it doesn't stay in that job. I carried it into the next one, and the one after that. Even with managers who were good, who gave balanced feedback and actually supported me, I would feel a spike of anxiety when a meeting landed in my diary. That "can we catch up?" message. The unnamed calendar invite. My brain would immediately start searching for what I'd done wrong.

It took a long time to recognise that the anxiety wasn't about my current manager. It was a response I'd learned somewhere else entirely. And once I could see that, I could start doing something about it.

It still pops up. Probably always will to some extent. But I'm much better at it now. When that feeling comes up, I breathe through it, acknowledge why it's there, and wait for it to pass. It does pass. The difference now is that I know what it is, and I don't let it run.

Looking back, what I needed at the time wasn't just a better manager, though that would have helped. I needed someone outside of it to talk things through with. Someone who could help me see what was actually happening, what was mine to own and what wasn't, and how to handle conversations I was terrified of having.

If you're early in your career and dreading a meeting with your manager, or if you've been in work for years and still feel that same anxiety, it doesn't have to stay that way. Sometimes it just takes one honest conversation to start unpicking it.

That's what I'm here for. If you need some support to approach a difficult conversation with your manager, please contact me here to book in a discovery call or a session with me.