Why do I feel anxious before every meeting with my manager?

Early in my HR career, I had a manager who made me dread every meeting request. One-to-ones only happened when something had gone wrong. They were formal, documented, and felt more like investigations than conversations. Minor errors became major events, at least mine did.

It became clear over time that something wasn't right. The dynamic was different with me. My errors were flagged and documented while the same mistakes from colleagues didn’t seem as that big a deal. The warmth and patience they showed others wasn't extended to me and their tone towards me was different, and I was aware of it even if I couldn't articulate it at the time. I wasn't perfect, and there were things that genuinely needed addressing. But the way those things were handled, compared to how my colleagues were treated, wasn't consistent or fair.

At the time I didn't have the experience or the confidence to name what was happening. I just absorbed it.

The thing about that kind of environment is that it doesn't stay in that job. I carried it into the next one, and the one after that. Even with managers who were good, who gave balanced feedback and actually supported me, I would feel a spike of anxiety when a meeting landed in my diary. That "can we catch up?" message. The unnamed calendar invite. My brain would immediately start searching for what I'd done wrong.

It took a long time to recognise that the anxiety wasn't about my current manager. It was a response I'd learned somewhere else entirely. And once I could see that, I could start doing something about it.

It still pops up. Probably always will to some extent. But I'm much better at it now. When that feeling comes up, I breathe through it, acknowledge why it's there, and wait for it to pass. It does pass. The difference now is that I know what it is, and I don't let it run.

Looking back, what I needed at the time wasn't just a better manager, though that would have helped. I needed someone outside of it to talk things through with. Someone who could help me see what was actually happening, what was mine to own and what wasn't, and how to handle conversations I was terrified of having.

If you're early in your career and dreading a meeting with your manager, or if you've been in work for years and still feel that same anxiety, it doesn't have to stay that way. Sometimes it just takes one honest conversation to start unpicking it.

That's what I'm here for. If you need some support to approach a difficult conversation with your manager, please contact me here to book in a discovery call or a session with me.